


To Erase Oneself

by LyriaBlackFrost



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Ryuji's Father A+ parenting, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 19:24:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17814041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyriaBlackFrost/pseuds/LyriaBlackFrost
Summary: Being mistreated by his closest friends was more than enough to make Ryuji reach his limit, so he decides to take a moment for himself, to clear his head. After a week distanced from his own life, however, the problem turns into gathering enough courage to go back and face a mother and group of friends who are probably better without him.





	To Erase Oneself

**Author's Note:**

> No, I'm still not over THAT scene...
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

He stayed there, his back against the lamp post, watching as everyone else walked away, toward the station. Part of him expected — hoped — that someone would look back, maybe walk his way and help him get up. But no… They kept walking, and Ryuji felt a suffocating pain in his chest.

His whole body hurt from the fall, and from being hit by his own companions soon after. But that wasn’t the worst part… He was used to pain, so he could easily ignore it. But being left behind… Giving his everything for them, and receiving that in return felt awful. He wasn’t expecting “thank yous” or anything like that, but… Damn, he had almost died there! Was it too much to expect a warmer reaction?

He lowered his head, resting it against his bent knees. Tears started to leave his eyes, and it only made him feel angry at himself. How many times would it take for him to learn? Crying wouldn’t change things. If anything, it would only make them even worse.

Still, he couldn’t help it…

He wouldn’t be able to say for sure how long he spent there, silently sobbing, but, when he finally got up, that feeling of sadness seemed to have dried up. Instead, he felt numb, almost disconnected from reality. He slowly made his way to the station, taking the train back home.

He had barely entered his room when his phone buzzed in his pocket. Something inside him immediately jumped, and he grabbed his phone, looking at it with expectation. It was a message from his mother, informing him she wouldn’t be able to go home that day.

That hopeful excitement gave place to a bitter frustration, and he had to control himself not to throw his phone across the room. Instead, he clenched his fist, aiming a strong punch at his own thigh.

_Stop it_ , said a small, rational part of his brain, and Ryuji listened to it. How many times had he done stupid things like that before, and, how many times had it helped him in any way?

Many and none, respectively. He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. Why did he even think anyone would care? He was the one bringing it upon himself, as usual. He should be used to it by that point.

_Calm down_ _…_

He threw himself on his bed, covering his eyes with an arm. He could still see their angry faces, hear their loud voices, feel the pain on his already hurt body…

_Calm down_ _…_

His back hurt… A vivid memory of being shoved against a cupboard took his mind. His father’s angry gaze, his loud voice, his raised fist ready to hit him again.

_He couldn_ _’t calm down._

He got up from his bed, running to the bathroom in time to empty his stomach in the toilet. It was painful to breathe.

_It was happening again._

“Stop it…” he muttered to himself, trying to silence his own thoughts. “It’s not true… It’s not…”

But he couldn’t believe his own words. A growing feeling of panic started to take his mind: suddenly, he felt like everything was closing around him, and he had to get away from there. Part of him knew it didn’t make any sense, that he was _safe_ there, but…

He got back on his feet, washing his mouth and face before going back to his room.

_He had to get away from there_ _…_

Ryuji didn’t protest again. With only half of his mind working, he emptied his bag over his bed, throwing a few clothes inside it. He went to the drawer where he kept his savings from the part-time jobs he took after class, putting them on his wallet, then throwing it inside his bag as well. He reached for his phone, but stopped before placing it in his pocket.

Instead, he quickly wrote a short message to his mother: “ _I_ _’ll spend some time at Akira’s”_. And, with that, he let his phone fall over the mattress, leaving the room, and then, his house, making his way back to the train station. He took the first train, without a destiny in mind: he just wanted to get away from there, and from any familiar place that would only worsen that suffocating feeling.

For a moment, he just wanted to disappear from his own life.

Ryuji hugged his bag, and, as soon as the train started to move, he felt like he was able to breathe again.

 

* * *

 

Ryuji wasn’t sure what he was expecting to accomplish by leaving like that, but, as the days passed, he started to feel a little better. He had the feeling that, in those few days, he came to know almost all train stations and bus stops there were to know, going as far as to the countryside by taking public transportation after the other, only to go back on the next evening. In an impulsive act, he also dyed his hair black in a cheap motel room that didn’t bother with asking for his documents, just letting him in as soon as he paid for his stay. He knew such a silly thing wouldn’t change anything, but, just being able to see a slightly different person on the mirror’s reflection was already a small comfort.

Of course, he hadn’t had a proper meal in a long time, and his body was already exhausted from only sleeping in public transportations — he’d enter the first bus he saw in the morning to be able to grab a seat, and sleep until it reached its terminal. But his mind was calmer than before, and that desperate urge to disappear slowly faded.

However, now he was scared of going back.

The more he thought about it, the more it seemed like a bad idea. What was he going back to, anyway? To a bunch of people who’d rather have him away from them? Hell, even his mother was probably relieved, considering how much she overworked herself for his sake, without getting anything in return. A small voice in his brain kept repeating to him that going back was a terrible idea… That he should just abandon his old life, kill the old “Ryuji” and start anew. Find a job and a small place to rent somewhere no one knew him, and keep living, day after day… Somewhere his past couldn’t reach, where no one knew of all the times he messed up, and how much of a disappointment he actually was.

Such an optimistic thought… It almost made him laugh at himself: of course he couldn’t run from who he was. No matter how many times he screwed up, he never learned. He was always doing something stupid again and again, and, when he considered it, it wasn’t a surprise that no one missed him. A small, bitter smile took his face: that was the part of his old man that he carried inside himself, which he wanted to kill at any cost, but didn’t know how to.

Despite all those conflicting thoughts, there was one thing that stopped him from abandoning his old life: he missed them. His mother, his friends — or at least the people he saw as his friends. When he considered leaving all that behind, he started to feel anxious again, the same way he felt when he considered going back. At that point, he simply didn’t know what to do anymore.

He tried to keep those thoughts away from his mind, and, when he realized it, more than a week had already passed. He still had some money, but, if he really wanted to move on, he would need it. He had to make a decision soon.

Deep inside, he knew he couldn’t just leave things as they were. He had to, at least, see his mother one last time… He loved her too much to consider never seeing her again. So, even if he came to regret it later, he had to go back… Even if it was terrifying to face the things he had been running from, he took that train back home.

He walked the familiar way back to his house, more than once considering going back to the station. But he didn’t, forcing himself to take step after step, until he was in front of that door. He didn’t do anything, simply stared at it for a long time, then, taking a deep breath, he reached for the key in his bag, opening the door.

The lights were turned off, and the house seemed empty. He couldn’t say if he felt relieved or disappointed, but didn’t have the time to come to a conclusion, before the sound of quick steps caught his attention.

“Ryuji…?”

Aoi Sakamoto appeared from the corridor, staring at him with widened eyes. He opened his mouth, unable to say anything, and she ran in his direction, grabbing him with both arms, holding him tightly against her chest.

“Oh my God, it’s you… It’s you,” she said, kissing his head. “Where have you been? What happened to you?”

He tried to find an answer, but couldn’t.

“I just…” he averted his gaze. “Needed some time.”

She moved away from him, so she could look at his face, holding him by the shoulders.

“Needed some time?” she repeated in disbelief. “You’ve been gone for a whole week! No one knew where you had gone to, and I didn’t know what to…”

Her fingers pressed his shoulders, hurting him a little.

“Why the hell did you do this?” she asked in a loud voice.

Ryuji flinched, trying to take a step back, but she held him in place.

“Answer me!”

“I couldn’t take this anymore!” he finally said, also raising his voice. “I couldn’t be in a place where no one wanted me to be!”

“Who said I don’t want you? You’re my son!”

“But I’m nothing but a burden to you!”

Those words made Aoi widen her eyes, loosening her grip. She stared at Ryuji for a while, until he continued talking.

“You do everything by yourself… You keep pushing yourself for my sake, and I don’t do anything in return. I’m… I’m hurting you, just like he did!”

His voice cracked, and a small sob left his lips.

“I’m no better than him…” he muttered.

Ryuji closed his eyes, feeling tears starting to roll down his face. Aoi’s arms closed around him again, pulling him close.

“Ryuji, my love…” she said in a low, calming voice. “You’ve really hurt me, but it was because I thought I’d never see you again. I was so scared of losing you… You’re the most important thing in my life, and I… I can’t lose you.”

“But I—”

“Stop!” she said in a firm voice. “Stop saying these things… You’re not like him! You’re nothing like him, and you’ll never be!”

Ryuji didn’t answer, and Aoi placed a hand on his head, caressing his hair.

“Please, never do this to me again,” she asked. “Please.”

Her voice made a strong, suffocating feeling of guilt fill his chest.

‘ _Stop crying, already!’_ echoed his old man’s voice in his head. _‘You really think you have it hard, brat? Can’t you think of anything other than yourself?’_

“I’m sorry…”

‘ _You’re just a burden to everyone… Damn, my life would be some much better if you just disappeared!’_

“It’s alright…” assured his mother. “It’s okay now, my love. It’s okay.”

But it wasn’t. Of course it wasn’t… Again, he was only thinking of himself and hurting the people he loved. That same voice started echoing again inside his head, and he couldn’t disagree with it. Everything would be better if he wasn’t around… He was just a—

“I love you,” said Aoi.

‘ _Ryuji, I love you… I didn’t want to hurt you, but… You gave me no choice!’_

“Stop…” he asked in a low voice.

“No, and you’ll listen to me,” she proceeded. “I won’t let that man hurt you any more than he already did, okay?”

“But I—”

“You’re not like him. You’re a sweet, honest, and caring boy, and everyone who knows you agrees with me.”

“They don’t.”

“You’re the one saying this, not them,” she stared into his eyes. “Ryuji, you have no idea how worried your friends were. We searched everywhere for you! We didn’t know what else to do.”

He didn’t answer, lowering his eyes. Aoi sighed, not insisting on the subject anymore.

“You must be hungry…” she said, forcing a smile and lightly pinching his cheek. “Go take a shower, I’ll make something for you to eat.”

“I’m fine.”

“Ryuji, please.”

He also chose not to insist, doing as she said. Ryuji went to his bedroom, finding his phone over his desk. The battery was dead, of course, so he put it to charge, so he’d be able to contact the others later — something he wasn’t really looking forward to. The voice in his head insisted that they would be disappointed to know he wasn’t gone for good, and he tried to ignore it.

He still felt terrible as he walked to the bathroom, but the warmth of the water was a little comforting. He spent a few minutes like that, just under the shower, eyes closed, before focusing on washing his body. He left the bathroom a while later, going back to his room and changing into some clean clothes. He looked at his phone, seeing it was around thirty-percent charged. _Ehh_ , that was enough.

Ryuji turned his phone on, only to soon be bombarded by a wall of notifications. Twenty-six missed calls, and a red icon informing he had more than ninety-nine unread messages. He opened the list of calls, seeing many familiar names there. The list kept going as he scrolled through it, being mostly Akira and Ann, but also the other Phantom Thieves and Mishima. He opened the messages, seeing some directed at himself, and many on the group chat. He read the last few ones, and they were all similar: his friends telling each other that they didn’t have any news on him. It made his chest tighten, and, after a long moment of hesitation, he typed a brief message, sending it.

‘ _I’m fine.’_

He barely had the time to put his phone down before it buzzed in his hand. He looked at the screen, seeing the name “Akira” there, alongside a picture of them with their cheeks pressed against each other, making silly faces. He hesitated for a while before answering it. He opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, he heard his friend’s concerned voice on the other side.

“ _Ryuji? Is that you?”_

Hearing that familiar voice made his heart jump.

“Yeah.”

“ _What happened? Are you alright?”_

“I’m fine.”

“ _Where are you?”_

“I’m home.”

There was a brief pause before Akira spoke again, his low voice trembling.

“ _You… You disappeared so suddenly… We had no idea where you…”_

Ryuji heard a sob, and his heart shattered. Akira was crying… _Fuck_ , he made Akira cry… He made his best friend cry, because he couldn’t fucking control his stupid emotions and acted before thinking…

“I didn’t…” his voice broke. “I didn’t mean to…”

He felt as if his throat was closing. _No, no, no_ _… That wasn’t right… He didn’t want to… Akira shouldn’t be crying… He shouldn’t have made him…_

“ _Why did you do that?”_

Again, that question… And he still didn’t have an answer. _Akira was crying._ He tried to say something, but suddenly his mind seemed foggy, and he couldn’t come up with anything. _He had hurt him too._ Ryuji closed his eyes, starting to panic. _He must hate you now. He hates you_ _… All of them do, and it’s your goddamn fault._

“ _Ryuji…?”_ Akira’s voice echoed again. _“Ryuji, are you there?”_

“Sorry… I’ll talk to you later.”

“ _Ryuji, wai—”_

He hung up, quickly turning off the phone. _Fuck_ _…_ He really was a piece of trash. Even at a moment like that, all he could think about was his fucking self…

Ryuji placed his phone back on his desk, sitting on his bed, burying his head in both hands and sobbing loudly. He didn’t even notice when his mother opened the door to his room, sitting beside him on the bed, placing a hand on his back, caressing it in a comforting gesture.

“Ryuji, what’s wrong?” she asked in a soft voice.

He needed a moment and a few deep breathes to be able to answer her.

“I just hurt everyone close to me…” he said.

His words made Aoi frown.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing you ever said…”

“It’s the truth, and you know it.”

“I don’t know anything, ‘cause it’s not true,” she insisted with a calm, but firm voice. “And stop saying these horrible things about yourself.”

Ryuji stayed silent, and Aoi watched him for a moment, letting out a small sigh before moving a little, until she was sitting with her back against the wall, gesturing for Ryuji to approach her.

“Come here, sweetheart,” she said.

Ryuji did as she said, laying down on the bed with his head on her lap, and Aoi started to gently caress his hair.

“What’s going on?” she asked in a low voice. “Tell me what’s the problem.”

Again, he didn’t know how to answer.

“I don’t know…” he admitted. “I just felt like I had to go away. I couldn’t… I couldn’t stand to think that everyone was just puttin’ up with me ‘cause they had no choice. I don’t know… I got kinda angry at everyone, but then… Then I realized it was all my fault, and I just… didn’t wanna be myself anymore. I was tired of this… Of being this piece of trash that I—”

“Ryuji, stop,” said Aoi. “You know what you’re saying, don’t you? You’re just repeating everything _he_ always told you.”

“And was he wrong?”

“Yes, he was. You really think you’re as bad as that man?” she made a pause, but he didn’t answer. “Ryuji… You’re a wonderful person. You may not see it now, but you’re surrounded by people who love you.”

“That’s ‘cause they don’t know me well enough.”

“No, I’m sure you’re the one being too hard on yourself.”

He stayed silent again, and a small sigh left Aoi’s lips.

“I never realized you had these things on your mind…” she admitted with a saddened voice. “You’re always acting like everything is fine. Even after everything that happened at your school—”

“Mom…” Ryuji interrupted her. “Let’s not talk about it.”

She didn’t answer for a moment, as if considering it, but ended up agreeing.

“Alright…”

The two of them stayed in a pensive silence for a while. Akira’s crying voice still didn’t leave his mind, but now, instead of panicking over it, he was more focused on how he could apologize for everything. He still had that in mind when his mother’s voice called his attention again.

“Listen, love…” she said. “I know things aren’t always easy for us. Sometimes I lose my patience and let it all out on you, and it isn’t fair.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Ryuji… I’m your mother. If you’re in pain, and I’m not here to help you, then I’m not doing my part.”

“You already do more than you should.”

Aoi lightly nudged his temple.

“I don’t know what’s going through this little head of yours, but I never saw you as a burden, okay?” she proceeded. “You’re the one who gives me the strength to wake up every morning and keep going… And maybe I wouldn’t have this strength if you weren’t here.”

Her words made Ryuji feel a light sting in his chest.

“I love you,” she added. “More than anything else in this world.”

And he knew it was true. It had been so hard for him to believe such a thing for all those days, but now… He just didn’t doubt it. Ryuji didn’t know what had changed, but it made him feel like an idiot — and also relieved.

“I love you too,” he said.

“So,” proceeded Aoi, “if you need to talk, I’m here. Don’t keep things to yourself anymore, okay?”

Ryuji nodded, but it didn’t seem like enough response to her.

“Can you promise me?” she asked.

“Okay.”

“Good,” she said. “Now, sit down. I brought you some food.”

He did as she said, while Aoi went to his desk, where she had placed a tray with a plate of food and a glass of juice. She offered it to Ryuji, who soon started eating, feeling his stomach rejoice at that familiar taste.

“Damn, I was hungry…” he said.

“I can imagine… What have you been eating all this time?”

“Anything that was cheap enough.”

“Oh God…” she narrowed her eyes at him. “You didn’t eat trash, did you?”

“Yeah, mom…” he dramatically rolled his eyes. “Sorry to tell you, but I was turned into a raccoon.”

“That explains the hair…”

Ryuji couldn’t hold back a chuckle at the comment, which made Aoi smile, giving him a brief kiss on the temple.

“Silly…” she said.

Ryuji finished his food, which made him feel more alive. Aoi spent some time there, with him, until the sound of the doorbell called their attention.

“I’ll go see who it is,” she said, getting up from the bed.

Ryuji stayed there, not really feeling like chatting with other people. He started to consider going to sleep earlier that day, when the door to his room was open again, but, instead of his mother, Akira and Ann were the ones looking at him from the door frame. They stared at him, as if unsure if he was really there, and Ryuji didn’t know how to react.

“I…”

Before he could say anything else, the two of them darted in his direction. Ryuji instinctively flinched, half-expecting them to hit him again — _and could he really blame them if they did?_ However, to his surprise, his friends threw their arms around him, hugging him, one from each side.

“I’m so glad you’re back…” muttered Akira.

“Me too,” said Ann. “I was so worried!”

Ryuji couldn’t find an answer: their reactions were so different from what he expected… Actually, they were closer to how he hoped they would’ve been that day. Part of him wanted to feel happy about it, but, instead, his body tensed before he realized. Something was… off. They were supposed to be mad at him, and yelling, and…

“Why did you disappear like that?”

Ann’s question brought him back from his thoughts.

“I don’t know,” he said, despite now having a better idea of the reason.

Akira and Ann’s expressions made it clear that they weren’t taking that as an answer.

“Ryuji!” said Ann.

Ryuji lowered his gaze, only to feel Akira’s arm around his shoulders.

“Talk to us,” he asked in a low, soft voice.

For a moment, Ryuji’s mind was taken again by the sound of his friend’s crying voice, and he knew he couldn’t say no to him. Not after that.

“I thought…” he started to say, hesitant. “No one wanted me around. When I realized this, I started panicking… I felt like I’d go crazy if I stayed here… That everythin’ would be better if I just disappeared.”

Ann and Akira exchanged brief gazes.

“It’s because of what happened, right?” asked Ann. “Because of us.”

Ryuji didn’t want to agree to that.

“I think I was still kinda in shock from what happened, so I couldn’t think straight,” he said. “So I left, and each day that passed it became harder to come back. Part of me was even considering not to.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” asked Akira.

“I couldn’t…” Ryuji felt his stomach turning. “I’m used to living with someone who’d always hurt me, to then apologize on the next day, saying he loves me, just to hurt me again. I didn’t wanna go through that anymore…”

He only realized what he had just said when the words had already left his mouth. He lifted his face, seeing Akira and Ann’s widened eyes on him. _Shit_ _… He had fucked up again_.

“Sorry…! I shouldn’t have compared you to… I’m not saying that you…” He let out a frustrated groan, feeling a strong urge just to punch a wall. “Fuck… I’m just making it worse, ain’t I?”

But neither of his friends reacted badly. Instead, Ann reached for his hand, carefully holding it in hers.

“No, _I_ made it all worse…” she muttered. “I don’t know what happened to me… I was sure you were dead, and… When you appeared again, I got so angry, for some reason. I was so worried, but all I could do was…”

She stopped talking, lightly squeezing Ryuji’s hand.

“It was so wrong…” she added, her voice trembling. “I’m so sorry…”

“Ann, that’s—”

Before he could think of something to say, Akira’s voice stopped him.

“I felt like my mind froze,” said his friend. “I just… Couldn’t react. It all just seemed so unreal… When I came back to it, I was already in my room. I tried to call you, but… You were already…”

Akira’s voice broke, and tears started rolling through his face as he cried.

“I thought I had lost you for good this time,” he said in between sobs, “and I… I couldn’t forgive myself for not saying anything after you… After you almost died to save us!”

“Me too…” added Ann. “I didn’t want to… hurt you…”

Suddenly, Ryuji just didn’t know what to do. Both his best friends were there, crying, and because of him… Was he supposed to apologize? Or was it another terrible idea? He just didn’t know.

“C’mon, guys…” he said, forcing a cheerful voice. “It’s okay.”

“How can you say it’s okay?” questioned Ann in disbelief. “I—”

“It’s okay,” he repeated. “Don’t worry about this anymore.”

“You know we can’t do that,” said Akira, to then lower his voice. “Do you still trust us, after… Everything that happened?”

The question caught him by surprise.

“Don’t be stupid,” he said.

“Ryuji…”

Ryuji averted his gaze, knowing he had to give them an actual answer.

“’Course I do…” he said.

“You won’t do it again, right?” asked Ann.

“I won’t,” he guaranteed. “If I learned anything from all this, is that running away won’t solve anything. Even if I’m scared of being hurt, or want to forget every time I fucked everything up… Leaving it all behind won’t make anything better.” He shifted a little over his bed before proceeding. “And, to be honest, even if you didn’t want me around, I don’t think I’d be able to leave…”

His voice failed him, giving place to a small sob.

“’Cause I love you too much for that.”

After saying that, Ryuji felt as if something had broken inside of him. He lowered his face, burying it in both hands, weeping uncontrollably. Both his friends hugged his waist, resting their faces on his shoulders.

“That won’t happen again,” said Ann. “I promise you, I’ll never hurt you again.”

“Ann…”

“Please, just let me say it,” she placed her hand on his head, caressing his hair. “No matter what happens, no matter how scared I get… I’ll never do something like that again. So… I don’t want you to think we don’t want you around anymore. We _do_ want you close… You’re important to us.”

Akira agreed with a nod.

“She’s right,” he said, making a brief pause. “And, Ryuji… I love you too.”

“Yeah…” agreed Ann with a light giggle. “Me too.”

Ryuji smiled to himself: if anything good came from all that, it was finally being able to hear those words.

**Author's Note:**

> If _that_ scene was actually canon (and we can all agree it wasn't) I doubt things would've ended up as just a joke, especially considering everything Ryuji went through in his past. So, with that in mind, I tried to come up with an alternative version of it ~~which still isn't what happened, because we all know the PTs actually hugged Ryuji and gave him the love he deserved...~~.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this fic, kudos and comments are highly appreciated! ♥


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